B Stands for Bipolar *Personal*

Being bipolar is the single biggest burden of my life. This mental curse is something I have been living with since I became self aware and will not seize until my last breath.

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I know it sounds morbid, but it is true. Bipolar disorder is for life, and it’s almost as bad as it sounds~ but I can tell you some positives. I want to give those that have been following my story a little background noise.

I want you to know me- the real B

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for who I am, what I’ve gone through and how this has all shaped my journey thus far.I’ve gone through a lot in my life that contributes to my bipolar spins. All of which happened in the first 20 years of my life and I struggle with flashbacks of past trauma, then self hate from years of abuse, anger and uncertainty. I am only 24 years old and I still feel like a lost, emotional,caged up child who can’t communicate the rage within my heart. I still feel each unkind word that was said to me in my youth, whether it be by my parents- peers and even myself. I still feel guilt for the mean things I’ve said and done to other’s within my life. Those words hurting the ones I love like an invisible knife. These unpleasant thoughts race like a fucking marathon of misery.

evan-dennis-75563.jpgThe racing thoughts though~ they come and they go, kind of like a sick monthly mental period of my mind going against my mind. During that time I want to sleep, everything makes me cry and uncertain, my house is TRASHED and I cannot seem to find happiness anywhere I search. My anxiety makes me shake to the point of having leg pains and I feel a burning in my temples- and then paranoia sets in. That paranoia is about my friends, my family, my purpose here on earth and sadly my brain has always worked like this. But don’t feel sorry for me, during the breaks in these times I am manic.

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I am on top of the world, my make-up is done (or not done and I feel GOOD about it), my house is clean, I’m drinking water and I am positively optimistic about the future, my regrettable past, and the feels in the present. I am creative, productive, helpful, reasonable and driven. That is the time ya girl get’s shit done.

Yeah, but sometimes I am stuck in this weird middle. I want to rage but I simply cannot. I just kind of like, sit there empty and tired, eager, anxious and obnoxious with unfathomable worry; about Delanee, Chris, my parents and even my own health.
I am in the process of recovering though~

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I am at a point of partial self acceptance. What I have gone through in my life has shaped me for who I am today, but it still bothers me. I want to share all of it with you in hopes of releasing what haunts me.

 I also want to share how I used cannabis to ween myself off of my bipolar medicine, why I had to do it, and how cannabis is helping me to this day.

The stories though, they could get dark, they could be kind of bothersome to some of you and I will most likely put a trigger warning at the tippy top of the thread. Like I said, this shit has been effecting me for the better part of my life, and it’s something I have inherited from my parents. Some people cannot read some of the things I am going to post about, all of it is from my own point of view. It’s personal, and trust me, a lot of this shit will sit in my draft box until I feel ballsy enough to hit publish. So be easy on B.

Also, not all of it is gonna be dark and terrible either. I’ve had a good life, I wanna share it all!annie-spratt-197809.jpg

Keep on check ing back for more.

More by B:

 

 

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